apdayted

1. need to find another job. it's great when ur paid to do nothing, just lepaking around. but there's no sense of pride in it la. i need to be.. felt important. needed. making decision. i'm not saying dat i oppose a relax job. but if it is too relaxing, i'd be more and more and more lazy then. if laziness is not considered as a 'sifat-mazmumah' in Islam then it'd be juussstt fine. unfortunately it is.
   
2. still blur in charting my life. clueless of wat to do. i could plan and give advise for others, but for myself..erk. i'm not sure what i want. not sure what i like/love to do. not even sure what am i good at. perhaps i shud go back to penang je? force myself to do 'sunat taubat, sunat istikharah & sunat witir' every night before i go to sleep. really hope Allah wud shun me some light. leading to the right path. making the right choices.
   
3. short of money. no more credit to sms. waiting for last month's salary. shud be out this week. bad in managing my account. house rent. parent. siblings.roadtax. seminar. business.
   
4. need to practise for the gath. erk, haven't paid the gath yet. it's a true honor to be trusted by the MT. it's not going to be easy. but i'Allah i'll do my best. my existency in geju is unplanned. tailing my ro-wau-met. yet received unexpected welcome and acceptence. feel honoured. feel important. feel like i'm somebody. really hope dat i won't be 'riak dan takbburrr'. but still not dat motivated to give out 100% of commitment to it. afraid dat i wud ditch out the group just like dat kot. i know dat i'm capable of doing such thing..and i felt really bad about it. so bad dat leads me into hiding...
   
5. had enuff of TGV. kong is the last...for now. my pick: 1st harry potter, 2nd kong and 3rd narnia. 4th wud be zathura. well dats the recent one. hv been accompanying this hsmate of mine who is a movie-goers. like a gay couple pun ada..ahaha. nahhh...we're not into watching movie with a special girlfriend. he's had enuff experience of it, and not looking for any more hassle. me on the other hand wud only take out my wife to the movie. not even a fiancee wud do. i'm not saying dat i never go out with a lady-friend to muvi before. i'd like to go out on a date to the movie. gives me a special feeling. but dats the past. now no more. not anymore. perhaps not even a dinner date. huhu...unless she brings along her friend at least to keep us accompany.
   
6. no words from her since her presence in kl..suit urself lah.maleh dah aku. 3 years already. on and off. on and off. not even sure wat kind of relationship this is. don't want to blame you. but just can't help it sometimes...of the way ur reacting. u put it there 'in a relationship' but ur still flirting with me. hope dat u found urself a good borneo-man and get married asap. then i'd be able to let u go ..kot
   
7. parent going to perform their Haj. alhamdulillah. good for them. 3-years of attending the weekly courses. hope dat Allah granted them a 'mabrur-haj'. pray for a safe journey to & fro. hope their prayers wud be granted. coming back as a new person. a true mu'min. not just a muslim. hope dat things in house will change for the better after this. but wat if Allah decides they won't be coming back after this? hurm...
   
8. more responsibility carried: Along and his wife, Pit, Pat, Qah & Meme. been delaying & wondering of how to convey it to Along. i hold the responsibility as a muslim & as a brother to share it with him. but how ah? i'm worried if i fail to do so before either of us being called back. Pit..how can I help u ek...sometimes i do pity of the fate u had..but both of us know dat this is His qada' and qadar. ur a good boy Pit..a great son indeed. and u hv always been the best brother ever. Pat, though we share a scratch history back then, i do and always love u bro. but u just hv to wake up, be matured. ur almost 21 now man..not a kid anymore. n if u feel dat ur the pain-in-the-ass in the family..then u need to do samtin about it, rather than just blaming everybody..Qah, my only sister...i'Allah i'll find u the right sister-in-law for u to share ur story, ur sad & joy and secrets. i'm as a man won't be able to understand everything dat ur going thru as a woman...but if u let me, i'Allah id listen to it. Najmi aka Meme...keep up the good score. grow up a as a great boy. make us proud. make u urself proud...
   
9. thinking of enrolling myself for a Diploma in Syariah. every 1st and 3rd Saturday. Darul-Fuqaha' Sg. Ramal Dalam, Bangi. fees don't know yet. not sure when it is started. inspired by nuaron. almost completed his Dip in Syariah (fiqh)..secretly. got himself a fine muslimah - aussie scholars recently. congrats bro for ur wedding. my reason: to equipd myself as i need to lead my own family later on

sigh...continue later...

me the weirdo..

huhu..tagged by ah-win. ready-set-n go!

5 weird things about me (err, think so):

1. Taking into consider their background, interest and their story, i'Allah i could plan & gv advise for others (when i'm askd to la..) - life, love, career, financial etc. But to be able to do so for myself is still questionnable..i'm totally blurrrr rite now :(
2. I'd get cranky if i miss the subuh-prayer (berjemaah). crankier when i miss to do so dat day. crankiest when i miss sunat-dhuha for the day...grrr. feels like soooo not motivated to live for the rest of the day. felt not blessed..o-yeah, i hate as well praying isya' alone :/
3. In times of 'jiwa-kachau', enjoyd my time riding my PEM the most. y?coz at that time only i could sing my heart out (any song..even dangdut..ahaha), as loud as i would, then tune to zikrullah and nasyid, next scream and yell, perhaps even cry out loud, mengadu to Him of my day, beg for His blessing & forgiveness. it's also the best time/place to talk to myself (cakap sensorang) without people looking at me curiously (gilo hapo dak nih..eheh) :p
4. Of my personality as an 'ustaz-rock' as desribed by many, some look at me curiously, some antonishingly, while others..i dunno. perform my prayer 1st - enjoyd a rock concert later -come back home to perform qiamullail. i'd like to do my Syariah-Diploma, but at the same time i'd like to continue my guitar/piano/drum session as well. erk! it's like i'm bounding myself to Mawi's rule "world, world jugak..akhirat jgn lupa". just dat i'm afraid there'd be a slice of 'rasa riak & takabbur' in me..astaghfirullah...
5. O-yeah..i'm not like any other guy. i'm not into sports dat much. i mean, i do play soccers, badminton, ping-pong etc, but to wake up early in the morning just to watch a game is just not me. i don't even have any favorite team or player. but i love outdoor stuff ie wall-climbing, skateboarding or kayaking. cars & accessories? erk, not into it either. guess becoz i don't own one yet. i love music..yeahh. when everyone else enjoy flipping sports channel, when it comes to me i'd be flipping out the entertainment channel only :) only Fadzilah Kamsah's slot wud stop me from doing dat...

hurm..with that, do u think i'm a weirdo?

p/s: i'm not going to tag this to anyone else..saje, maleh..ngeh3

walao apa yg aku buat, akhirnya pikiran aku akan melayang kembali teringatkan dikao.
siksa tau tak? err, siksa ke? eheh..sekadar perkataan yg dipilih sbg wakil hati bersuara.
muncul, hilang, muncul kembali, hilang begitu saja.
apa yg kao mahu dari aku haa..? apa lagi yg kao harapkan dari aku?
ehhehe...bean..bean..

mak talipon tadik. cu dah crita kt dia. aku pon tercerita kt cu sebenaqnya. jadik tadi kena la marah sket. tanya awat aku x crita kt dia semalam. pastu soh aku bagi no akaun. aku agak keberatan. habaq iAllah minggu ni aku dapat. masalah birokrasi ja. tapi dia berkeras..soh bagi gak. hoho..saja la aku x crita. saja jugak aku x mintak. dah bukan zaman aku mintak dari mak abah dah. skang ni masa utk aku memberi pulak. cuma kali ni aku agak tenat. amat tenat sebenaqnya. dua bulan tak dapat. dua bulan jugakla aku x bayaq sewa. tabung siput-babi aku korek sisa2 nya. 2 minggu lepas aku perlu ke kenuri nuaron di taiping. lalu pada ro-wau-met ku pohon 'ufti'. mujur leh tumpang sot. kemudian minggu lepas kenuri mak-abah aku p mekah. sekali laie 'ufti' dikenakan. bertuah ada ro-wau-met yg menyayangi (aww..ahaha). balik sini tumpang along. dalam poket cuma ada 24 kupang saja. cukup la nk jamu bini tayar dua aku tu. ehehe...ujian kesusahan ja ni bean...xdak apa aih. sabaq no :o

.

jumaat: aku marah. aku bengang. aku hangin. aku geram. aku maki-hamun. aku rasa cam loser. kt sapa? psepa? kat diri seniri. pasai diri seniri. aku jarang marah sebab org lain. aku kena camtu sekalipon masa kt permata aku leh tersenyum laie. tapi aritu aku hangin. dia yg tetiba senyap tu aku xbengang. aku dah ready. tp aku sentap bila dpt email pasal keje kt astro. menyumpah2 diri-seniri. nyesal xyah cakap la. setan berjaya mencari nafsu amarahku. hilang mood aku. istighfar bean..istighfar. uh, tak jadi gak. rasa cam nk tumbok orang. xleh jadi nih. xtau psepa aku xleh nk kontrol. tidak bersikap positif spt selalu. minda aku kelam. gi solat ah. moga2 dgn wudhuk nanti sejuk damai aman kembali. lega sedikit. tp lepas solat Jumaat mood aku masih buruk. atas moto aku maki-hamun laie. kali ni aku tujukan pada setan celaka tu. sukati dia je nk bersarang dalam pembuluh darah aku. dah lama aku x maki2. kekadang tu terlepas jua. namun sempat aku timbus dgn istighfar. kali ni aku biar je. sial nye setan! balik aku teros tido. aku mengantuk agaknya. tu yg meragam tu. masih lom ok. berterusan sampai la aku di pudu. mujur kerusinya empuk. aku tidur dgn selesa. bergerak laju di pagi buta. sambil mendendangkan kalimah Allah. memujuk nafsu amarah tadi supaya pergi bersembunyi...

ni`mat kegembiraan :D

bismillahirrohmanirroheemmm :) :) :)

hijau warna ceria. harini saya ceria. alhamdulillah terima kasih tak terhingga. ah-win yg pertama. awal sejam mana taknya ;p lantas menyedarkan saya yg leka. kendian ro-wau-met terperasan pula. tatkala kami pulang dari misi pencarian sabun basuh (bukan daia!). seterusnya dia. jauh di sudut hati saya tau dia tak lupa. lalu tertidur dgn hati yg gumbira. 5.30 pagi loceng berbunyi memekakkan telinga. terlepas peluang bermunajat dan solat sunat agak ralat juga. tapi Allah Maha Adil Maha Kaya. diberikan peluang utk saya menyeru yg mengaku hamba menunaikan solat di rumahNya. pulang ke rumah menonton @15 lantas tersengih membaca. ohh, patutla dia begitu beria2. ada kejutan rupanya. ke opis dgn hati berbunga. lepas sunat dhuha brekpess di taja oleh Ila. ahaha sukanya saya. reminder yadziz berbunyi tiba-tiba. hoho, makaseyy..tak sangka saya. nd pula mengalu-alukan kemasukan ke kelabnya. eheheh...bapak nd, mintak tunjuk ajar ya? sebelum solat Jumaat man dtg menyapa. satu laie kejutan daripada mereka. tandatangan, ucapan mesra & hadiah istimewa (?). ni musti salina punya angkara. ahhaha. staff di lawatan baru dpt berita. rempeyek nurul menjadi mangsa. akhir sekali daun menitip jemputan raya. saya gumbira. saya ceria. saya suka. mim-mim-mim-wau-alip-ha semua. balasan yg lebih baik dari Allah moga.

Mohd Khalid b Zainol Abidin...selamat hari lahir yg ke-25

tingkatkan usaha merayu keredhaanNya ya? :D :D :D

me & again

she came back (again) + no explanation given (again) + no explanation asked + guess she wanted somebody to listen to + don't know if history will repeat itself (again) + don't know if I'm ready to ride the rollercoaster (again) + but I do know this one + in times like this + I need to be there for her + I need to keep telling her it's His way of showing love + though i'd be left in the fog (again)

~keep doing istikharah...asking to be sure of my feelings for her~